An insightful individual recently suggested on social media that rather than “PANDEMIC,” we should call what we’re going through a “PLAGUE.”

Maybe then, they reasoned, people would take coronavirus and Covid-19 more seriously. Maybe they’d even adhere to physical distancing guidelines and wear masks in public.

I agree.

To a point. 

Given the resistance to common sense, disregard for their fellow human beings and insistence on “FreeDumb,” I recommend our new naming paradigm be even more direct, if a tiny bit misleading.

Henceforth and forever, coronavirus and Covid-19 shall be called:

The “Mask-Up-or-Your-Dick-Will-Shrink
-to-the-Size-of-a-Wine-Cork” Virus

The “Wear-a-Mask-or-You’ll-Wake-Up-With
-20-Extra-Pounds-of-Thigh-Cellulite” Disease

On the other head, given the fact that these folks aren’t smart enough to believe scientists or take the easiest of precautions to protect themselves and others from death….

Never mind.

P.S. – You have the right to smack me upside the head if I ever write or utter the word “paradigm” again, about coronavirus, Covid-19 or anything else.


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  1. Well, my favorite name for our latest disease won’t help as much as your suggestions but I really like calling it the trump virus.

    1. Robert, I believe “Trump Virus” is the most apt. At the end of the day, that’s what I call it, too. Thank you for reading, and thanks for taking the time to comment. Martin

  2. I have long said that the we should tell men that one immediate side effect of having the COVID-19 is impotence. Even Aubrey Huff – who would rather “die” than wear a mask – might consider wearing one. Just sayin’. . .

Let me know what you think!