An insightful individual recently suggested on social media that rather than “PANDEMIC,” we should call what we’re going through a “PLAGUE.”

Maybe then, they reasoned, people would take coronavirus and Covid-19 more seriously. Maybe they’d even adhere to physical distancing guidelines and wear masks in public.

I agree.

To a point. 

Given the resistance to common sense, disregard for their fellow human beings and insistence on “FreeDumb,” I recommend our new naming paradigm be even more direct, if a tiny bit misleading.

Henceforth and forever, coronavirus and Covid-19 shall be called:

The “Mask-Up-or-Your-Dick-Will-Shrink
-to-the-Size-of-a-Wine-Cork” Virus

The “Wear-a-Mask-or-You’ll-Wake-Up-With
-20-Extra-Pounds-of-Thigh-Cellulite” Disease

On the other head, given the fact that these folks aren’t smart enough to believe scientists or take the easiest of precautions to protect themselves and others from death….

Never mind.

P.S. – You have the right to smack me upside the head if I ever write or utter the word “paradigm” again, about coronavirus, Covid-19 or anything else.


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Martin C. Fredricks IV

Martin C. “Red” Fredricks IV here. I’m husband to an amazing woman who is also my best friend, dad to three outstanding kids, Fargoan (North Dakota, that is), proud introvert, veteran messaging strategist/copywriter, blogger ( nonprofit founder ( and big-time reader. As they say, if you're gonna write good stuff, you have to read good stuff. A ginger, too - ergo the "Red" - although some of it's going white. Cinnamon-Sugar, I call it. Tattooed to boot; seven so far. At age 54, I'm stilling crankin' AC/DC & Metallica, but now and again I spin some Eric Church and Black Uhuru, too. I love hanging out with my (much) better half, spending time with our kids, writing, hiking, riding my mountain bike and reading.


Robert Williams · August 12, 2020 at 7:18 pm

Well, my favorite name for our latest disease won’t help as much as your suggestions but I really like calling it the trump virus.

    Martin C. Fredricks IV · August 13, 2020 at 7:19 am

    Robert, I believe “Trump Virus” is the most apt. At the end of the day, that’s what I call it, too. Thank you for reading, and thanks for taking the time to comment. Martin

naturelover55 · July 12, 2020 at 2:34 pm

I have long said that the we should tell men that one immediate side effect of having the COVID-19 is impotence. Even Aubrey Huff – who would rather “die” than wear a mask – might consider wearing one. Just sayin’. . .

    Martin C. Fredricks IV · July 17, 2020 at 1:42 pm

    Right on! That’s a much better idea!

Let me know what you think!

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