A Pissy Post

IV Words to USA: Urine Big Trouble Now!

IV Words is now offering an unlimited supply of COVID-19 preventative and treatment elixir. Dial 800-PIS-SOFF in the next 20 minutes for 20% off your order!

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Noncompliance, meet the latest covidiot antivaxxer self-remedy.

Urine therapy.

Like pissing on your feet in the shower to cure athlete’s foot, right?

Not quite.

It’s the latest COVID cure-all from antivaxx and anti-mask prophet Christopher Key. His antivaxx devotees are drinking it up.

I mean… down.

Now there’s some snake oil that comes with all kinds of leaks.

Predictably, shamelessly, social media is streaming thousands of jokes and word plays about the new purported COVID restorative. And of course #UrineIdiot is trending –

• “I won’t say urine idiot if you believe that drinking your own pee will cure Covid… But I will say urine good company among many anti-vaxxers if you’d rather swallow piss (yuck!) than simply take a safe and free vaccine. #UrineIdiot.” – Lynette KhalfaniCox

• “First they were the Tea Party, Now they have become the Pee Party. #UrineIdiot #antivaxxers,” @McSpocky wrote.

As for IV Words – 

#Trumpsters, urine hot water now!”

Golden!

I mean… we’re on a roll.

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#UrineIdiot

Gotta love the dual-meaning thing –

• “You’re an idiot” – further elucidation unnecessary.
• “Urine idiot” – someone who drinks their own pee instead of getting a COVID vaccination.

See? Works both ways. 

It’s reminiscent of the exchange in the classic ’90s film, “Singles,” between Cliff Poncier, the charismatic frontman of the band Citizen Dick, and a local entertainment reporter. 

“Now, a song like “Touch Me, I’m Dick” is about… what?” the reporter asks.

Poncier replies, “Well I think ‘Touch Me, I’m Dick,’ in essence, speaks for itself, you know. I think that’s, you know, that’s basically what the song is, um… about, you know… I think a lot of people think that it’s actually about, you know, ‘My name is Dick, and, you know, you can touch me,’ but I think, you know, it can be seen either way.”

Two ways in one.

It remains unclear whether The Former Guy endorses this new home remedy for COVID-19 survival, but no doubt he’ll be making his thoughts crystal clear any time now. Word is he’s awash in experience in this particular area, so it’d be surprising if he didn’t let his insights and advice flow. Besides, he’s simply incapable of holding it back. (Happens to everyone. Aging.)

Debate the pros and cons all you want. Fact is there are now a bunch of folks who not only will not avail themselves of the scientifically proven vaccine, but they’re drinking their own urine, to boot. Out of their own boots, some of them. (Many, many good people are saying so.)

Meanwhile, science adherents are pretty pissed off at our fellow citizens for refusing to be vaccinated because they’re harming others and prolonging the pandemic. “They don’t give a shit about anyone!” the complaint goes. 

Technically that’s true. The antivaxxers don’t give a shit right now. However, they are absolutely giving a piss.

Speaking of crap, social media commenters are wondering if the next step for Trumpsters might be consuming their own feces. 

(You simply cannot make this shit up.)

It’s actually a valid question. Fact is, there’s a very thin line between one and the other.

Both ways!

It’s tempting to tell antivaxxers they’d be better off getting pissed at the local pub rather than trading shots of urine, but that can be debated. Besides, if they’re COVID-positive but asymptomatic, no one wants them spreading it to others. 

The virus. Not the pee.

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When you get right down to it, for starters and at the end of the day, there’s a reason our parents dumped the “Don’t eat the yellow snow” platitude on us before so many other worthy truisms. It’s just plain ol’, damn-good, common-sense smart.

Another Ma-n-Pa maxim, one that came a bit later, was, “You have to get vaccinated.” 

That’s the prerequisite to public school attendance, regardless of potty-training status. Has been for a long, long time. Which leads many of us to what seems like an obvious question: Why isn’t COVID vaccination a condition to going to school now? You know, slow community spread and all that.

FREEDUMB! the antivaxxers would yell, violently shaking the fists they don’t have wrapped around their… a-hem… you know… in the air.

Freedom. Please. That argument is all wet. It’s just another piss-poor excuse for not having a single drop of concern for the wellbeing of one’s fellow human beings. Not one stray drop – 

Would someone please wipe off that damn toilet seat!

This is getting out of hand….

But enough pee-pee jokes. Serious business here.

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Look, as far as we’re concerned you can go ahead and touch Dick any time you feel like it, so long as it doesn’t harm anyone else. What’s important is that everyone gets vaccinated against COVID.

 A shot in the arm or drinking one’s own urine. Hmmmm… 

While we wait for a decision, it’s a good time to mention that the offer above is still valid. Get a tall, hot, cold or room-temperature container of your golden cure right here! 20% off!

But on the down-low…

They say water is life, and this urine therapy for COVID deal is definitely a lifesaver for the blog.

We’ve needed a new revenue stream for some time now.

Original image used in the featured graphic via The Economist.