I was almost speechless. Almost.
Somebody at the National Rifle Association (NRA) done fucked up.
Even after how I’ve voted and donated money politically my whole life, and after I’ve written repeatedly and forcefully about the need to protect our entire nation from the liars at the NRA and our children specifically from the flood of guns they insist is their members’ rights to possess (based on gross misinterpretation of the 2nd Amendment of the U.S. Constitution)…
Even after all of that, somehow my name got on one of the organization’s fundraising lists. Frankly, I’ve always figured I was on one of its other lists, the kind that Richard Nixon used to keep and update obsessively.
Apparently not, given that one of the NRA’s lackeys called me this afternoon. Me!
When the caller ID came up with “NRA,” a bright-orange burst of rage flashed in my mind and my first instinct was to ignore it. My second thought, though, was to answer, listen to their bullshit and give them a piece of my mind.
So I did.
The gun-toting sheep launched into his “Protecting our 2nd Amendment Rights” shpeel, along with something about signing up lifetime members. I kept quiet while struggling to open my QuickTime to record the conversation, which in North Dakota is MY right.
I missed about a minute, but here’s what I caught:
“…this is the opportunity the gun haters have been waiting for. Democrats, and possibly even a few Republicans, are ready to pass major gun control legislation in the coming days. Things are moving very quickly, which is why we’re on the phone today. NRA is a firewall protecting freedom and we’re fighting 24/7 to save our rights. But our strength comes from our great members, so we desperately need you here with us today. As a life member, I can offer you a discount off the normal rate if you upgrade to the Endowment Level today. It’s only two hundred and fifty dollars, and you will receive the NRA-Dakota (garbled word) performance jacket, which is a one-hundred-and-twenty dollar value. As an Endowment Member, your name will be listed in the Hall of Honors in NRA headquarters. The best part of it is, you can upgrade your membership for just twenty-five dollars now, and give twenty-five dollars a month. This offer is ending soon, and I hate to see you miss out on it. So let’s get you signed up, okay?“
I allowed a pause to drag out for several seconds. Then…
“Listen very carefully. You assholes are responsible for the deaths of children in their schools. How dare you call me and ask for money? You guys need to FUCK OFF! We don’t need assault weapons in our schools or anywhere else.”
I stopped to see if the death-lover was still on the line. He wasn’t.
Then, from the kitchen where my two daughters, ages 20 and 14, had been talking but had gone silent –
“SERIOUS! YESSS!” The 20-year-old, headed for my office. “FUCK YEAH! Was that the NRA?” she asked in disbelief, grasping how absurd such a call, to me, would be.
“Good job,” the 14-year-old said.
We’ve talked a lot about gun control in our house over the years, how the NRA is deranged and responsible for murder, and how the politicians who serve the organization are culpable.
The NRA. How dare they!
Calling for money so they can continue the mad cycle of unfettered gun sales and innocent, unnecessary deaths, right after 19 kids and two teachers were slaughtered in Uvalde, Texas, and not much longer after a gunman wiped out 10 Black people in Buffalo, N.Y.? Not to mention the literally thousands of mass deaths caused by gunmen in the United States over the past 50 years of increasingly lax gun restrictions.
The Hall of fucking Honors?
Enabling the deaths of schoolchildren is as far from honorable as it’s inhumanly possible to get. It’s the purview of scum.
The NRA and its members have no shame. They make me ill.
Admittedly, I took way too much joy out of telling one of their own exactly how I feel about their messed-up, inhumane, illogical, death-dealing organization, its members and its policy positions.
But, jeez, I had to. The NRA psychos and sycophants are not likely to make the same mistake again. Besides, I at least wasted a little bit of his time. And I must say, it felt damn GOOD.
Featured photo by William West/Agence France-Presse via Vox via Getty Images – “Australia confiscated 650,000 guns. Murders and suicides plummeted.”